Dutch TV station apologises for interview with a "cured" gay man

This is more or less a translation of an article in the Dutch newspaper Volkskrant. I've included my own contribution where I thought was necessary and my own thoughts on the case afterwards. 

Thony. Photo from his Intagme profile

A week ago the Dutch TV channel EO (Evangelische Omroep - Evangelical Broadcast) published on its youth website BEAM an interview (in Dutch) with the 19-year-old Thony Kraamer, who says that God helped him put an end to his gay lifestyle. The interview caused a lot of reactions and a storm of criticism from individuals and organisations. 

In the interview Thony tells about his life in the gay scene: "Every weekend I was in the sleaziest bars and clubs. I would go up on the dance floor, dress up as a girl, use hard drugs, have one boyfriend after another and still cheat on them... I did literally everything that God has forbidden."

Then he says he decided never again to have gay relations: "Whether I'll live my life as a single man or maybe find a wife, I'm looking positively towards the future. I'm giving my life to God."

Apologies
EO received a storm of criticism after publishing the interview. Kraamer's statements were considered as reinforcing a stereotypical and negative image of homosexuality. 

Today (17 February) EO apologised for the interview. In its statement, the channel said that the aim of BEAM was to tell different stories and opinions and to think, together with its audience, what these stories mean to them: "But it didn't work. Thony's intense story brought to many homosexual readers associations with rejection, estrangement and grief. This should never be the consequence of a personal story, regardless of our good intentions... if we have hurt you, we are very sorry."

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So this was the article and I have to say, hats off to the EO for the apology. I followed part of the Twitter storm that fell on them a few days ago and they were very careful to reply to most Tweets respectfully and say things like "this is just one personal story, we also have other stories, and we think they should be heard". And this is admirable for a Christian TV station and indeed the different stories of young people should be heard. If anything, I'm more angry at Thony and I want to share some thoughts about the whole debacle. 

If you read the interview from the link above (e.g. with Google translate), it actually starts off quite nicely - Thony felt different all his life, played with dolls, dressed up in girls' clothes, didn't like his first kiss with a girl... Then (I don't know when - I guess 16-18 years old?) he came out as gay on Facebook and received very positive reactions from his friends and classmates. Something that many people don't have! Then apparently his "crazy gay life" began - going to bars and clubs, doing drugs, having sex with random guys, boyfriend after boyfriend, webcamming for money... Until he felt he had hit rock bottom.

So first of all, Thony seems to be rather transgender/gender-dysphoric than a gay boy. By his own admission, he dressed up in women's clothes, wanted to be a woman and even asked his house doctor for a referral to the "gender team". Perhaps the clubs, drugs and promiscuity were just an acting out of his anxiety over his gender dysphoria? Perhaps if he had had more support and understanding, both from himself and his family, he would've transitioned and lived a happy life as a woman? Instead of denying everything he is and "giving his life to God". As if gay/transgender is incompatible with God... 

But let's say he is a gay boy, since he considers his previous life to have been gay. In my opinion 18-19-year-olds are expected, or at least excused, to live a crazy life of promiscuity, drugs and clubs (always in moderation, boys!!). The realisation that this is not the life you want should come later. But at whatever age, this realisation should lead you to focus more on yourself, your personal development, education, career and improved relationships with people, in other words, find "the golden mean". Not go from one extreme - parties, drugs and sex, to the other - celibacy and denial of your sexual desires. Most of life, most of happiness, is somewhere in between the extremes. 

But figuring out where the "golden mean" is and how you can be happy there takes wisdom and maturity, which a 19-year-old typically doesn't have. And I have the feeling that Thony's "rebirth" as a God-fearing, law-abiding, hetero-wannabe was strongly encouraged, if not forced, by outside - family or church community. And to be honest, I also have the feeling it won't last forever... 

Naturam expellas furca, tamen usque recurret.
You may drive out Nature with a pitchfork, yet she still will hurry back.
(Horace) 

Privilege

A few weeks ago I wrote another post about privilege (in Bulgarian) which focused on the "privilege pyramid" in this world - men>women, white>black, hetero>homo, cis>trans. I sort of concluded that even though I'm gay, I'm still a white cis male and as such I'm more privileged than a whole lot of people in the world.

But that was a simplistic who's more privileged than who. A few nights ago, during a short chat with a Facebook friend, it hit me how society treats women, even if they are white, cis and straight. In this particular case, my friend is in her late 30's and lives in Bulgaria, but I know that these attitudes are pervasive in the whole world, to a lesser or larger degree. Yes, I'm sure even in Sweden women have to endure certain patriarchal rants from their parents.. 

So here are some of the things my friend said: 
- "I've heard so many times, even from other women, how it's better to have a boy than a girl".. I've heard this too.. In rural patriarchal Bulgaria boys are supposedly stronger and can do more and heavier work on the field (of corn, wheat, sunflower, potatoes, herding, etc) than girls and, when they grow up, boys stay in the family home and bring their wives and everyone helps with the field work. Girls grow up, get married and move in with their husbands and their families and help on someone else's field. What a waste of time, money and food it is to have a girl, when 20 years later she won't help you in the field anymore. Besides, "you're always worried about girls" - that they'll get raped or knocked up and bring shame to the whole family because who will want to marry a woman with a bastard child? But how does a girl grow up hearing that her parents and everyone else prefers having a boy? 
- "I've had enough of being told that no man will marry me if I can't cook". Yes, a terrible quality in a woman - to not be able to cook (or rather, not be able to cook like her mother and even more so - like the future husband's mother!). As a comparison - I started "experimenting" with cooking when I was around 16 and I was often told that any woman would be lucky to have me for a husband because I like cooking. So a man doesn't *have to* be able to cook but if he does - he's a most eligible bachelor. On the other hand, if a woman doesn't like cooking, no one will take her and what kind of life is that? 
- "I've even heard that it's fine if a man beats his wife when she 'makes mistakes' - to teach her". Yes, I've heard this one too. The important thing for a woman is not to have a happy life but to get married.. at any cost.. to anyone.. do what her husband tells her.. and endure it no matter what.. And if necessary, she can go and cry on her mother's shoulder.. 

Of course I've had my share of gender stereotypes too. I was a shy, quiet, and fragile child, who hated getting his hands dirty with field work, hated the smell of sheep, cows or pigs, couldn't raise his voice to anyone or hurt a fly. Instead, I preferred to play quietly with dolls, to help the women in the kitchen, to sing and dance, study my lessons, chat with friends on the telephone and read books. I often heard "what kind of a man will you grow up to be?!?" (suggesting that apparently - the wrong kind) or "you're so lazy and good-for-nothing" but in a way this also came with a silver lining - there would be endless intellectual possibilities before me, everyone would envy my curly hair and long eyelashes and any woman would be lucky to have me - so sweet, kind, smart and loves cooking. When I grow old I'll just look mature, when I get a beer belly it will be sexy, when I go bald it will be a sign of manhood, if I get violent - it will be because a man knows what he wants... 

And what can a girl "do right"? If she's pretty or sweet - you'll be worried that she'll get raped, if she's not - that she won't get married; if she's smart and ambitious and "feisty" - that men will be intimidated and... she won't get married... In a patriarchal society the girl's future is prescribed for her - she needs to be able to cook, get married and give birth and what happens in the meantime or how she feels is not important. A woman is only judged by the attitudes of men towards her. 

Luckily many girls (like my sister and perhaps my Facebook friend) grow up to be their own women regardless of what their parents or society or other women tell them. But they have to live all their lives with these deep-rooted notions of pre-determination, expectations and the constant reminders that they need to be pleasing to men. On the other hand boys - whatever they are and do - "will be boys" and that's normal, accepted and encouraged.